Every relationship I’ve been in with a man has had the intention to complete, to heal and to save me.
I’ve been separated from my husband for nearly two years. My life is full of delightful connections with people I love, work I love to do and with the beauty that surrounds me. Truly I lack nothing. However . . .
Though, I know I lack nothing, how do I be in a world, which from the very beginning of life impresses upon my imagination that without a man, a one true love, who will be with me forever and ever, that I am incomplete.
Eternally optimistic that this one true love will come, I struggle with the fact that, at 61 years old, that One True Love has yet to arrive. It is extremely challenging not to fall prey to those beliefs that have me think that there must be something truly wrong with me. I’m smarter than that and thank God, I’m wiser than that too. And the dilemma is still present.
I’ve been a Student of A Course in Miracles for over 30 years. It is indeed a Course. It demands that I study my beliefs and perceptions and choose according to my truth and my knowing. It demands that I choose between the truth that I am a spiritual being and the truth that I am only my body. When I act according to the truth that I am my body, first, I am filled with fears of vulnerability, danger and death. When I act according to the truth that I am a spiritual being, first, I experience a freedom from those fears and suffering.
Seeking that one true love requires that I surrender my freedom from fear and suffering. I immerse myself in the reality that it is only within my body that I exist. It requires, then, that I need protection, healing and saving. Immediately, the suffering and fear arise.
The Course distinguishes Special Relationships from Holy Relationships. Special Relationships are the ones we create through our beliefs that we are our bodies, first, and that we lack something that can only be repaired through another. Holy Relationships are those we create through our beliefs that we are whole spiritual beings first.
In a holy relationship, my practice is to undo the perceptions that hold me and the other person hostage. Simply put, the practice is to never give away your personal power for any reason, and to be in relationship with everyone without acting on desires to own, protect, gain, use, or get something. Its not easy, but I believe it is the only way to bring peace into my being and into the world.
So, the other day, at the Island Market, I run into Jack; a fellow I’ve known for many years on a "Hello. How Are You," basis. But this time, through a very short conversation, there was a connection that was nice. I walked into the market, picked up a basket for my goodies and began walking through the soup aisle. And, then I thought, "Wow, it would be nice to have more time to talk with Jack. Maybe we could get together for dinner." That’s all I thought, in my head. Then came a barrage of responses, within my head: "He lives on the other side of the Island “ it would be a long distance relationship; Does he have money; I wonder what his health issues are. On and on, these thoughts just kept on coming. Finally I said "STOP!" Then I said, again inside my head: "I just thought it would be nice to have some time with Jack, I don’t need to marry him!"
The Special Relationship conversation has me want to own Jack, forever and ever. The Holy Relationship conversation has me just enjoy the company of a really nice person, over dinner with no attachment to the outcome. Is it worth the trouble practicing this walk of a friendship with no attachments? I do this easily and effortlessly with women friends, and its wonderful; what makes it so challenging with straight men (This isn’t difficult with Gay Men)?
The bottom line importance of this conversation is that, our need to have and protect originates with the belief that we lack something, and that having someone will somehow lessen the burden of carrying our lack. As long as we believe we lack, we will be unhappily attempting to complete ourselves with someone or something. They are attempting to complete themselves too. It doesn’t work. It never has, and never will!
So here’s Four Practices that I will be implementing in relation to developing a healthier relationship with myself, in relation to men.
1.) I will remember how I am with my women friends “ open, allowing, flexible, no worries or fears if I haven’t heard from them for days; don’t care how they dress, or how much time they spend with their other friends; and I don’t think about them incessantly.
2.) I’ll Observe the amount of time I’m talking in my head about the person “ in this case Jack, noticing the concerns, worries and problems I create that have no basis for reality in this moment.
3.) I will call or email Jack, only after I’ve gotten clear about what I’m really wanting here. The fantasy of romance and happily ever after are side-lined. One moment at a time, one conversation at a time; just like with my women friends.
4.) Continually, I remind myself that this is a spiritual practice, one that allows me to release my beliefs that I need to be saved, healed or completed in any way. I can only meet my friends in my wholeness. In this way I meet them in their wholeness “ No Matter What!
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Who is Dr. Rosie? Dr. Rosie Kuhn is a preeminent thought leader in the field of Transformational Coaching and Leadership Development. She is available for Speaking Engagements, Coaching Sessions for Individuals, Organizations and Executives, as well as Trainings. Her books can be found at Amazon.com. And, be sure to check out many of her other blogs as www.theparadigmshifts.com.
A course in Self-Empowerment is available at http://www.dailyom.com
And, as always I’m here to empower you into your fullest expression of your essential self. A coaching session is just a phone call away. 360-376-4323.
I’ll let you know how it goes!