No Way-I’m Not Going!

I leave for Bali in a few weeks, and as the time draws nearer I find myself terrified of traveling to a part of the world that I’ve never been before. What comes to mind is "no." What comes to my whole being is an experience of fear and trauma. Part of me wants to back out! It’s too scary!!!

I realize that I have a choice in this moment to avoid and ignore the sensations of fear and trauma, or I can explore the source of these sensations and fears. I’ve discovered over time, that to immerse myself in this inner exploration allows me to undo the tethering to hellish ideas, memories, judgments, and sensations. Energies of trauma and fear will dissipate, and I will then experience the heavenly peace and freedom to just be me.

To some of you this may seem far-fetched, however, to allow myself the openness to explore the cause of my terror reveals to me either a direct personal experience, perhaps a past life, or a collective-conscious experience of so much brutality, hatred, and horror that has occurred that it has me paralyzed in fear. Truly, it doesn’t matter which part of the Earth one travels, for war, genocide, forced poverty, and famine have existed everywhere, and continues to exist. There is no place on Earth that hasn’t experienced human suffering. I have no doubt that most of us carry within our cells the memories of Hell on Earth, whether it is in this lifetime, or in the lifetimes of our ancestors, or our own past lives. And in this moment, my body is re-membering scary stuff, and it doesn’t want to repeat any possibility of that scary stuff happening again. It’s called PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder. The disorder part is the degree to which we remain locked down in our fears and traumas. For some, it is mild, for others it is a BFD!

Resistance and reluctance to say "yes" to any life adventure rarely has anything to do with making a rational and intelligent choice. Usually reluctance to saying yes is based on fear, and our fears are primarily formed in the past, from experience of trauma – of one degree or another. We want to avoid any and all sensations related to trauma, and so we end up saying "no" to an adventure that may light us up.


In the field of addictions, the Big Book says that restless, irritable discontent is the source of all addictions. My curiosity has me ask the question: what is the source of my restless, irritable discontent in this moment? The workshop on Deep Recovery that I’ll be facilitating in Los Angeles on Feb. 24-25th, focuses on this question specifically. However, in this moment, as I sit in this practice of articulating this process with you, the sensations of discomfort are almost too great. My fingers don’t want to type, I stop breathing, I experience anxiousness, irritability, and I have a tremendous desire to distract myself with any number of "funner" things. However….

I have to come back to what I know to be true. What I know is that Heaven resides on the other side of my current state of Hellishness. What I know is that to deny myself the current moment of the truth of my experience of Hell denies me the liberation from Hell. What I know is that I always have a choice to either resist what it is I’m experiencing in this moment, or to surrender into the sensations I’m experiencing, which can feel like Hell, with no way out!

Because I’ve been at this choice-point many times before, and because I’ve trained myself to surrender into the exploration for the source of my discontent, I have no doubt that I will soon experience myself within a Heavenly place. I’ve gently lowered myself into the depths of what I’ve always interpreted to be Hell, over and over and over again, only to un-conceal Heaven!


My invitation to come to Bali with me may instill just a matter-of-fact "No, this isn’t for me" reaction in you. My invitation may create in you uncomfortable sensations, which for now, has you say, "I’m not ready." It may stimulate a "Yes, but . . . the timing isn’t right." Or, it may create a "Yes, and . . . I’m afraid." I totally get it, as I’ve experienced all of these for myself. What I want for you is a "Hell Yes – I’m going!" And if it is a "Yes, but, . . . " then I encourage you to explore the sensation, the fears, the worries, and other sources of your trepidation. Heaven awaits on the other side. ;)

If you have questions or thoughts that you’d like to talk to me about, that could help you decide more clearly for yourself to go or not go to Bali, please email me, or call me, and let’s set up a time to talk. I’d be so happy to assist and support you in any way I can.

Life on Earth has been very frightening for most of us at some time in our lives. For some of us, quite recently. To embrace the possibility that we could actually weave Heaven and Earth can seem unfathomable and an unbearable task to take on for some. I know that place intimately. And, I know that you will experience the strength to cultivate courage, and the courage to cultivate the strength, to make Heaven on Earth when you are ready. I have no doubt that this is true for you.

Are you with me?!

Bali is calling you. This retreat is calling you. I’m calling you, back home to your fullest expression of who you know yourself to be. Join us in co-creating Heaven on Earth.

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