Instead of sparking joy in many readers, my most recent blog sparked guilt. They wanted to choose to organize and clear away unwanted stuff, but the guilt was too much. They found something else to do instead.
Sometimes we aren’t cognizant of who’s making choices within us. We are unconscious of how we choose what we choose to choose. However, with courage and curiosity every single one of us begins to cultivate a presence of mind—of our essential-self.
Perhaps with reluctance we begin to realize that we are in relationship with various parts of ourselves. And perhaps this relationship hasn’t been going so great. This awakening influences not only the relationship we are having with ourselves. This awakening influences every relationship with everyone, everything, everywhere.
We humans are highly complex beings. We’ve got physical, emotional, mental and spiritual realities we are constantly juggling, consciously and unconsciously. The majority of what influences the choices we make is unconscious. And, because we each try, in our own unique ways, to avoid discomfort and suffering to any degree, we hide within our little bubbles of reality, hoping against hope that we won’t be disturbed!
I suspect that the majority of humans who’ve gotten into their second or third decades of life have realized hoping and managing won’t work. Why? Well, because we’ve come here to grow and learn. And, if we don’t grow or learn, or won’t open ourselves up for learning, the learning will come to us! Perhaps even through some blogs on this website. Go figure!
Like my readers who commented on what showed up with the imagining of letting go of what no longer fits in their closet, their minds, their hearts, I experienced some thoughts, questions and perspectives I didn’t plan on meeting. These meetings require that I address some personal beliefs that I didn’t even know were there. And, realizing they are not only there but hugely influencing how I choose to choose what I choose, I wanted to get to the source of it all! Of course! That’s my happy place—being curious about the Source of it all!
I mentioned in the previous blog that I initially began clearing clutter so that my daughter wouldn’t be left with doing what I’m avoiding doing for myself. I not only cleared clutter, but I made repairs to my home—in case someone at some point would buy it. I wanted everything to be working so they would be confident that they weren’t getting problems that I ignored. This is a good thing, right?
By taking care of things, I alleviated guilt. After this clearing and cleaning process I felt better, because I was making it easier and better for others. I also experienced a sense of accomplishment and relief. However, I recognized a pattern operating.
I realized the degree to which my choosing to do is sourced in the belief that I need to take care of the well-being and fulfillment of others! I’m not doing these things for me. That’s a good thing, right?
However, here’s what else I noticed. Somewhere in my belief systems, deep in the recesses of my unconscious, lives a belief that I am not allowed to have all the elements of a working home for myself. Not only a working home, but a home that sparks joy and delight, for me!
I know I’m not alone in this perspective. A lot of people sell their homes, spend thousands of dollars cleaning, repairing and renovating their homes so that it would appeal to others to buy. They didn’t do this so they could enjoy themselves in their home. Like me, they didn’t give themselves the home of their dreams. They created it for someone else.
It’s a fascinating experience for me to be sitting in comfort and ease within my home—as it is, and at the same time experiencing discomfort and dis-ease because things are in good shape! I can’t help but ask myself, “What’s the quality of relationship I’m creating for myself, with myself?” What’s the source of this way of being and choosing? I’m rubbing my head really hard with these questions!!! JEESH!
Can We Allow Ourselves What We Truly Want?
Even though I say I want to live in a real house (I’ve shared this dream many times throughout the years), there’s a part of me that cringes in discomfort at allowing myself to imagine that. The part of me trained to know myself as guilty and shameful says, “What with global warming, the increase of homelessness, etc., how can I allow myself to even consider the possibility of such a selfish and self-serving act?” This erases any inkling of a house.
I know I’m not alone. A client of mine, Jack, wants to be a writer. However, the incessant conversations occurring within his psyche at whatever level, ongoingly keeps him from actually writing.
Another client, Bobby, when I asked him what he wanted, in the midst of a life of uncertainties, replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never been allowed to know what I really want.” A little while later in the session, Bobby spontaneously expressed his true want, “I want to be a stay-at-home dad. I love being with my children.” In the second and a half he shared this truth, his whole being shifted into radiance and delight. He sparked joy!
When I asked Bobby what he noticed in that moment he replied, “I experienced vulnerability and shame.” Not even for a second and a half could he know the elation of his being, that I witnessed.
Another client of mine, Anne, is unhappy in her two-year relationship with Barney. She feels so bad about her selfishness that she can’t bring herself to tell Barney it’s over. Her guilt of causing him suffering is a weight she can’t bear. So, she keeps attempting to make it okay to stay with Barney.
Anne is making herself sick physically and emotionally by not attending to what is true for her—she wants freedom to speak her truth! But, thus far, the guilt and shame of giving herself that freedom is too much to contend with.
This is when we hire a coach or therapist to fix us or tell us what to do. The big fat be-with of our lives sometimes is too much. We want relief. We want someone else to tell us what to do. “Don’t make me make choices that I don’t want to make!”
Through over 20 years of coaching clients who, like me, face dilemmas everyday, which elicit moments of choice, I’ve learned that there are only two important questions I have to offer. Question 1) What is it you want? And Question 2) Do you want it enough to do whatever it takes to actually have it?
Until people articulate their want, without shame, guilt and justification, they cannot begin to face all the ways they get in their own way of having what they want. They can’t see how they don’t even allow themselves to know what they want. They, like me, just keep choosing to live within their own self-created world, wondering why other people get all the good stuff, happy relationships, health and fulfillment?
So, What’s Your Point, Rosie?
We are always presented with life circumstances and events that allow us to choose the best we can. As we grow in wisdom, we can see how maybe we are choosing not from our highest wisdom but from our lowest fears. This creates a dilemma—Do I, or do I not? We don’t like these moments of uncertainty and discomfort. Actually, I HATE these moments. However, these moments allow us to sit with ourselves and see what’s really going on. Or these moments allow us to avoid whatever circumstances arise. We can choose to wait it out and do nothing different. Truth is, it doesn’t really matter!
If you can know that, regardless of anything, you are doing the very best you can, and regardless of anything, you are not alone in this complex human drama, perhaps you might just come into some respite with yourself. No guilt, no shame, no good or bad, right or wrong. There’s just you being you—me being me, being curious enough to muster the courage to show up again and again and again! For what? That question is what has us on this magnificent adventure in the first place. Fun. Right?
